I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize