Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Alive.
So much puke
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
