She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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