I am in a vortex of obligation.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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