Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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