thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
