she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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