just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
