How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
