white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize