The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
