why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
