i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I woke up under a house in Key West
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
