you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
