fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
