I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
