Girls should come with a carfax report
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
