Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
