I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Houston, we have a squirter
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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