Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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