Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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