I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
What changed your mind?
Being sober
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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