Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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