dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
