And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
