Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
