New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
