my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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