Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
