Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Panties = found
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
