How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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