I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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