Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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