My hand turned me down
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
