watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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