I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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