so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
