He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
