I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
