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At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
