Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
and she was petting her beer can
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
