I wish my penis had an off switch
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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