If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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