So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
