The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My feet surprised me
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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