Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
