She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
