You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
