its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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