Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
