got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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