She went from zero to smokin in five shots
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
