I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
