just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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