my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
