If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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